Hi! I’m excited and a little nervous for this blog post because…first, this is the first blog post after a long while and, second, this blog might trigger you. But if you’re following me on my Instagram, you know I recently switched my account to public to commit to share publicly the truth of motherhood and the life of a working mom. So here I am, going for it as well.

Ever since Vivian was born, I lived by the belief that “nothing was more important than my kid.” Then I started to really struggle. Leaving her every morning when she’s being dropped at a daycare sent me into a spiral of guilt.   I’m such a terrible mother. She really needs me at home. She’s going to feel so abandoned. Will she be going through life feeling unsafe? Then I’d spend my days doing all of the things a “good business woman” should do. So much anxiety and pressure pumped through my veins as I was constantly heard from other people and the society told me that’s how parenting goes – you sacrifice yourself for your kids and your career, if you still want both.  And when it was time to go home, I dreaded the evenings. I was so tired from work that I felt like the least qualified woman to be a parent.  

After weeks of pushing, I’d finally force myself to get a massage, and I’d feel so guilty that I was on the table doing something for me instead of wanting to spend time with the baby girl. So many “shoulds.” So much guilt. So much pushing. Does this happen to you? I wasn’t happy with my work, and I was always worried about Vivian or my family. I wasn’t happy with my parenthood. I wasn’t taking care of myself. And Mike and I were not even having any time together. All of the sacrifices weren’t paying off.  But I just felt so caught in the spiral and had no idea how to get out. I was frustrated, feeling stuck and totally at loss. At the bottom of my despair was a message:

What do you desire?

Such a simple question…and I had no idea how to answer it. I had been so caught up in the rules, thinking that if I followed them then I’d have a successful career, have time for my kids, get the self-care I needed, and would feel rested and bubbly enough to be nice to my husband… but the rules kept me from tuning in to what I really wanted and what was going to work for ME.

I had damaged the phone line to my soul, and the silence I felt when I tried to tune in scared the shit out of me. I started to notice all the ways I was letting everyone else’s opinion dictate how I lived. I was like a sailboat with no rudder, just being tossed around and capsized with every gust.

So I got help. I booked regular massage and self-care sessions to take care of my body, I learned and worked with a neurologist to nurture my central nerve system, I formed the habits of meditation and learned the methodology to deep soul exploration. I learned and practiced spiritually and diligently. 

I invested in career coaching to get fierce clarity in my strengths and leadership styles. I booked trips with girlfriends and have a babysitter to come in during weekends so Mike and I can have dates again. I implemented a whole new planning system and time/energy management mindset honoring my body and heart quarterly, weekly and daily. I invested in career coaching to get fierce clarity on my strengths and leadership styles…I have a morning ritual every morning that’s just for me, and me only…

And through it all, I realized that my only option is to do whatever I want.

(This is the triggering part.) I stopped thinking about what my kids wanted. I stopped thinking about what Mike wanted. I stopped caring about what my family and friends wanted. I stopped asking about what my culture and society thought I should do. All I cared about was what I wanted.

But here’s the cool part…

When I allowed myself to think about how I wanted to spend my days, how I wanted to mother, the memories I wanted to have with Vivian, what I needed from my marriage, how I wanted to express myself through my work, what my body and soul needed in self-care, spirituality, friendship, and career… I realized that I wasn’t as guilty as I thought I was, and I didn’t need a bunch of rules to keep me in line. As I started to create a life around what I desired, I saw so many amazing changes…

1. My daughter, who had felt distant and unsettled since she was born, became calmer and more connected to me and started sleeping better.
2. My career has been in a flow that I’ve ever experienced.
3. My relationship with Mike was more loving.
4. My energy, sensuality, and glow returned.
5. I felt a deep connection to my soul and the magic that exists around me.
6. I manifested a pipe dream of starting to write a book!
7. I feel grounded and aligned in myself, my values and it seems the whole universe is helping me…

We’ve been taught that doing what we desire will make everyone else worse off. This is a lie to keep women from accessing our power.  

Think about it: if we’re running around exhausted and confused about why we’re so miserable, we’ll never challenge the status quo.   So I’m curious, what do you desire? If you could just start over, what would be your dream life? You can have your dream life.

If you start the process of asking, searching and willing to receive, you will wake up and have a life that blows your mind because it is in total alignment with your soul, body and spirit. If you get caught in the lie that having what you desire is just for “the lucky ones,” then you’ve written your own sentence. Take some time today to write down what you want, maybe you need to imagine you don’t have kids, or your whole family moved to Australia and gave up the internet and cellphones and have no way of knowing what you’re up.  Maybe you need to imagine you inherited 500 million dollars, you already have a dream job… whatever it takes to give yourself permission to focus on you.  What do you desire? P.S. I cannot wait to tell you more about the book I am writing! Till then, stay well!

Light and love,

Dian x.